


Kiss Me Kill You

by GypsumLilac



Category: Undertale
Genre: Cool Coat, Karma - Freeform, Nonconsensual Kiss, Poor Papyrus, Repeating Events, Retribution, reader is terrible at being a decent human being, reader is thief, scoundrel reader, timeline nonsense, tricked into kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-19 15:15:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17004084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GypsumLilac/pseuds/GypsumLilac
Summary: You are just a regular thief, and then you see a fabulous coat. But it’s worn by a skeleton who has very high standards.Heh. You won’t survive this. Not unless you learn from your mistakes.





	1. Coats Are Awesome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT WARNING/TRIGGER WARNING!  
> The POV character kisses Papyrus. Nonconsensually. Not a good thing.  
> Also Papyrus beats them up. So warnings for pain if you’re sensitive to that sort of thing.

The drowsy heat hanging in the air is washed away by the cool evening breeze. The streets roll with the sounds of cars and chattering pedestrians. The neon shop signs flicker to life and the streetlamps wink on in unison to combat the fading light.    
  
You plod through the waning traffic, seemingly aimless as you smirk to the orange sunset. In your peripheral vision, though, you examine the other  people foolish enough to be out and about. An old man with a gold fob grunts angrily as you bump into him. You apologize and slip away, with a newly acquired wallet in your hoodie's pocket.    
  
The moon is low in the east, casting a silver sheen over the yellow-lit streets. Three wallets in your pockets, along with twelve more you've hidden to retrieve later. It's not a bad catch.    
Once you're back in your hideout, you'll examine the contents. And then you'll drop the emptied wallets around the streets at random. Completely risk-free... unless someone catches you.    
  
Ah- nice coat... the tall man in front of you probably wouldn't even miss the black-leather tailed overcoat with deep pockets... you could sew sheaths into the sleeves... but how to get it? It's not as though you could simply pickpocket it off of him, a steal this large has to be performed with... panache.    
  
An idea strikes and you quicken your steps to overtake overcoat guy. With the skin of confidence and a concerned pout in your face, you slip your arm around his as you fall into step beside him. "Pretend you know me," you whisper. He doesn't even flinch. The overcoat is so shiny and smooth... focus! "Someone's been trailing you. But I know how to lose him, just follow my lead."    
  
"SUCH CARE YOU SHOW FOR ME, HUMAN!!" You hide a wince at his earsplitting volume. "BUT I CAN EASILY HANDLE WHATEVER KIND OF FAN IS FOLLOWING ME IN A STALKERISH MANNER. PERHAPS THEY ONLY WISH TO HEAR MY SPLENDID VOICE! NYEH, OR MAYBE THEY ONLY NEED TO LEARN A FEW LIFE LESSONS!! YOUR KINDNESS IS APPRECIATED, BUT I DO NOT REQUIRE IT. SO- PLEASE STOP STROKING MY COAT..." Your hand jerks away and you whistle nonchalantly.    
  
"Whew, no, uh, it's actually... a gangster... yeah, with a gun." Your nose flares as he looks down at you, his face shrouded by the hood. Hey, pickpocketing didn't exactly need skill-points in fast-talking before this. "Soo... I think you should come with me, for your own protection."    
  
"OH, I SEE." Ha, good. The sooner you can knock him out, the better.    
  
"Also you should lower your volume." You insert just as he makes a noise to speak again. His jaw clicks.    
  
"Very Well. Since You Are In Danger, And Have Wisely Sought The Assistance Of The-" How'd he come to that conclusion? Whatever, just a few more blocks... oh, he's still talking. "-all Help You With This Gangster Problem. Show Them To Me." So, maybe you should've been listening... did he tell you his name?   
  
"U-uh, I'm... scared." Racing for some way to pull back on the net and regain some modicum of control over the situation, you blurt the words without even considering them. "Please, you're my only hope." Curse your flat tone! Can't you at least sound scared?? You inject a shuddering undertone and try again. "Th-they do- bad things t-to people who be-betray them..." Agh, stupid fake stutter! Now he'll trust you even less!     
  
"NEVER FEAR, HUMAN. I SHALL RESCUE YOU FROM THESE SCALLY-WAGS. BUT THEN... WHY ARE WE GOING INTO AN ALLEY?"    
  
You pull on his arm and let a grin play on your face. You know just which trick to play before knocking him out...    
  


"They're coming by- quick, pretend to kiss me!" A gasp is the only proof of his shock as you wrap an arm around his neck and drag his hea- nope, skull to your face. You press your lips to his teeth and entwine your arms tighter around the skeleton monster. There's nothing in the pockets of the coat. You pull away from the kiss with a purring giggle. Two white bugged-out sockets with black pupils in the center stare back at you.   
  
"What's wrong, bud?" You run a hand down his arm, feeling the soft fluffiness of the coat's interior. It's not buttoned, so you slip the sleeve off his arm gently, pressing your chest against his ribs.    
  
"You know, you really shouldn't trust people like me..." One sleeve off, and the skeleton still hasn't said anything. This is complete improvisation, here, you'd appreciate a bit of assistance. But at least he's out... you flick your tongue along his cheekbone and flutter your lashes- yup, no response. Perfect... you start to slide the other sleeve off of him. It comes off easily. Huh... you aren't even good at flirtation, but this guy is struck, paralyzed... wait... that was his first kiss, wasn't it. You pat his smooth skull and smirk. "Consider this a valuable life lesson, kay?" Then you swing the coat onto your shoulders and walk out of the alley, leaving the skeleton behind.    
  
White bones shing from the ground in your way, fencing off your escape. "Hey-" He wants the coat- so you toss it over the bones and turn to him.    
  
The skeleton is drawn to his full height, a head taller than you, and his black sockets frown at you. "THAT- WAS NOT VERY NICE AT ALL, HUMAN..." Weren't they white before...?   
  
"Mhm." You hum in agreement and poke the fence, biting back a gasp at the sting.    
  
The skeleton laughs darkly. "YOU CAN NOT ESCAPE, HUMAN. YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME A VALUABLE LIFE LESSON, SO OF COURSE I MUST RETURN THE FAVOUR."    
  
"Your coat is over there." You try to deflect. He ignores it. "Uh, I think those gangsters wi-"   
  
"THEY DON'T EXIST. I KNEW THAT. I ASSUMED YOU WERE ATTEMPTING TO GAIN MY ATTENTION IN A ROMANTIC WAY, BUT HUMAN... I DID NOT REALIZE HOW DEEP YOU HAVE FALLEN INTO YOUR INFATUATION WITH ME..."    
  
This is about the kiss... hey, it wasn't a really gross kiss at least... "I- I do-" You don't actually like him... you only wanted the coat...   
  
"THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE, AFTER ALL I AM A SPLENDID SPECIMEN. IT IS TO BE EXPECTED THAT EVEN HUMANS WOULD FALL FOR ME!! BUT I DISAPPROVE OF THE WAY YOU DID IT. PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TAKE SOME LESSONS FROM UNDYNE AFTERWARDS..." He trails off, the ominous words hanging in the silver glow of the night.    
  
"I'm sorry, you're right, I stole your first kiss and your coat but I was only planning on-" Stop, you can't tell him you were stealing his coat!    
  
"FIRST OF ALL, WHEN YOU ARE ENTRANCED WITH SOMEONE, YOU SHOULD TELL THEM OF YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY INSTEAD IF LYING FOR AN EXCUSE TO BE AROUND THEM." He crosses his arms, and seems to be waiting for a response.   
  
"Yes. Great advice."    
  
"SO?? ARE YOU GOING TO BE FORTHRIGHT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WITH ME??" He stomps his foot.    
  
Option number one; continue the gangster lie and deny any 'romantic feelings' for him. He already knows you were lying about that, so it would be pointless.    
  
Option number two; create a new lie and profess your undying love for him. Yeah... that'd work short-term, but eventually end in him finding out the lie. Too much angst.   
  
"I- just- wanted to steal your coat!" Option number three; be forthright.    
  
The skeleton doesn't reply. He stands there. You sidle backwards, stopping at the bone fence. Then he says, "OH. THAT CHANGES THINGS SIGNIFICANTLY."    
  
"I'll say. I wasn't expecting the kiss to incapacitate you, but it worked, so..." As soon as he lowers his magic, you'll make a break for it and grab the coat up in mid-run.     
  
"THEN... THE KISS WAS NOT OUT OF ROMANCE BUT OUT   
OF PRACTICALITY? YOU STEAL AND FLIRT FOR A LIVING?"    
  
"W-well, I'm not that good at flirting," you preen your hair.    
  
"IN THAT CASE, I HAVE A COUPLE DIFFERENT LESSONS FOR YOU." He snaps a gloved hand. A thick club spins into the air, he grabs it and rests it against his shoulder. You grab up a metal pipe from the ground. The skeleton steps closer and you really don't like the glint in his grin.    
  
He swings the club. You bring up the pipe to deflect. Metal strikes bone; your wrist twists and the metal is flung away with a despairing clang. He disarmed you in one swift move. "NYEH HEH HEH, FIRST OF ALL, YOU SHOULD CHOOSE YOUR TARGETS MORE CAREFULLY. AN EXPERIENCED WARRIOR SUCH AS MYSELF IS ALERT TO ALL TRICKS AND IMMUNE TO EVEN THE CLEVEREST OF CUNNING." Your blood thump-thumps in your ears and acid energy burns in your veins.   
  
"Oh really? Then you weren't at all incapacitated by the kiss, then?" You start to sidle along the wall to the pipe.    
  
"N-NO!! TH-THAT WAS MERELY AN ACT!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS USED TO BEING KISSED BY STRANGE HUMANS!!" He stomps his foot, enraged. Heh... if it weren't for the threatened 'lesson'... he'd be kinda cute...    
  
"So that wasn't your first kiss?" You bemoan with a smirk. Your weapon is mere feet away.    
  
He stomps and glares, steaming. "NO!!! IT- I'VE KISSED MANY PEOPLE BEFORE!!!" The club slams into your face- but halts barely an inch from your wide eyes. "BUT THEY WERE ALL CONSENSUAL."    
  
"You're a great kisser..." You drop to the ground just before the club drives into the concrete where your head was. Cold metal meets your hand.    
  
"I KNOW. YOU, HOWEVER, ARE TERRIBLE AT IT." You throw the pipe up at his knee. He sidesteps it and it clatters to the other side of the alley.   
  
The club swishes past your face as you roll to the side and onto your feet, crouched to avoid his weapon.    
  
"BUT NO MORE DODGING. THE SECOND LESSON IS TO RESTRAIN YOUR DESIRES AND THINK LOGICALLY." Wha- you are thinking logically!!   
  
"Great." You groan. "So I restrain my desire to live longer and decide that... Ha, logically, you shouldn't exist."    
  
Black and red explode in your vision. Something white is lodged just beneath your ribs. A laugh rings in your ears as your throat gulps for air. "Hhrk- kay, g-got it..." you force the words out.    
  
"GOOD. THE THIRD LESSON IS-"    
  
"W-wait-" Your hands wrap around the club. The pain in your solar plexus throbs with your ragged breath. "How ma-many lessons did I give you? L-let's do this fairly..." You yank on the club- but it doesn't budge in his grip.    
  
"HMM..." He pulls the club away and you back against the wall. "FIRST-" The club swings- you duck and grab the pipe from the ground. "DO NOT TRUST FLIRTATIOUS THIEVES."   
  
"I'm not flirtatious!" You jump up and strike at his legs with the pipe. Pain slides across your ribs; he parried the blow. "Hhu, just- a thief..."    
  
"SECONDLY, KISSES AREN'T ALL PEOPLE MAKE THEM OUT TO BE!!" The skeleton swings the club down; you deflect it and attempt a parry. The crowbar spins out of your hand with a wrenching pain.   
  
"AND THIRD, I LEARNED THAT HUMANS CAN SINK TO ANYTHING, EVEN FAKING ROMANTIC FEELINGS FOR SOMETHING, TO GET WHAT THEY WANT." The proclamation is followed by a stab of pain in your back that blooms into a fire raging in your torso. Gritty concrete shudders against your knees.   
  
The skeleton looms over you, grinning. "WOWIE, I LEARNED A FOURTH THING. YOU ARE TERRIBLE AT MAKING SURE YOUR OPPONENT CAN'T JUST FORM MAGIC BEHIND YOU AND CONTROL IT REMOTELY!! YOU DIDN'T SERIOUSLY THINK THAT THIS CLUB WAS THE ONLY WEAPON I HAD, DID YOU??"    
  
"kinda..." You breath, half to yourself, and then remember the fence of bones. The fire in your back only adds itself to the throbbing and stabbing pain. A pounding beat thuds in your ears.    
  
"WELL, YOU WERE MISTAKEN. THE THIRD LESSON FROM ME TO YOU IS..." He bends down, black sockets and stern grin wavering in your eyes. The club is gone, but he's just proven he doesn't need it anyway. "NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR OPPONENT. ALSO LYING IS BAD. THAT'S THE FOURTH LESSON, DON'T LIE."    
  
You flinch and grit your teeth. The skeleton's grin widens; nothing happens. "You're right, and I apologize." You say, spine tensing in anticipation. He lifts his hand- and pats it atop your head. Does this mean he's not going to skewer you?    
  
"I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY. HONESTLY, HUMAN, IF YOU HAD JUST DONE THAT AT THE BEGINNING, I WOULD HAVE JUST LET YOU GO." The skeleton says.    
  
"Huh- wh-what??" You splutter, in something close to furor. "I- I said I was sorry before all this!!"   
  
"BUT YOU WERE LYING." He replies cheerfully and pulls you to your feet. "AND I CAUGHT YOU."    
  
You stagger, wincing, and catch yourself on the wall. "Yeah..." Everything hurts.    
  
"WELL, IT WAS... INTERESTING... TO BE RUN INTO BY YOU... AND BE TAUGHT ABOUT HOW AWFUL HUMANS ARE AT KISSING AND FIGHTING... BUT FRANKLY I LIKED THE PART WHERE I WAS TEACHING A LESSON BETTER. WHAT DID YOU THINK OF MY TEACHING SKILLS? TORIEL SAYS I SHOULD NOT BECOME A TEACHER AT HER SCHOOL... BUT ALL THE SCALLY-WAGS I RUN INTO SAY MY METHOD IS VERY EFFECTIVE!!"    
  
"Probably because you'd beat them up again." The snark isn't as effective when you're restraining pained groans.    
  
"YOU MEAN, THEY WERE AFRAID THAT... SO THEY LIED!! I SHALL HAVE TO SPEAK WITH THEM... WHY ARE YOU TURNING GREEN, HUMAN?"    
  
"Bye-" You make it a couple of steps... and then a couple more steps... staggering carefully out of the alley. You don't want to be anywhere near him when he's 'speaking with' these other guys... and there's no way you can get revenge on him, not yet at any rate...    
  
The black leather overcoat lays on the ground right in front of you- revenge, huh? Could you run away with it and not get caught? You glance back at the alley and see the skeleton watching you. Your blood leaps with sudden determination.    
  
Carpe diem, right?    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is junk, but I can’t bring myself to hate it. I have a few more chapters written and a planned ending.  
> I have been on the recieving end of a noncon kiss once. It left me confused and angry and wishing I could beat the kisser up. I’m just glad I kissed someone (consensually, lol) before that, so I knew what a real kiss should be like.  
> So think of this as wish-fulfillment... as seen from the opposite POV.  
> Also I wrote this a while ago.


	2. Treat or Trick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No mouth-kissing this time. 
> 
> Note: This was written a long time ago and is virtually unedited.

The old man with a gold fob growls at you as you bump into him. You smile and wave innocently, hiding his wallet up your hoodie sleeve. His cane swings up and cracks you on the head. "Ow-" you drop the wallet and dodge another blow. "Chill, dude!"    
  
"Give my wallet back, you scoundrel." The cane thwacks across your ribs.    
  
"Eesh, okay." You kneel warily, keeping one eye on the cane, and hand his wallet back. He takes it and offers one last parting blow that you receive with a wince on your shoulder.    
  
"I will be reporting you, sirrah. Do not disrespect your elders, you hear?" He growls before turning back into the traffic of disinterested pedestrians. You rub the welts his cane left ruefully and walk the other way.    
  
This is a bad night for pickpocketing. Every target has been on edge and caught you almost immediately. You haven't succeeded even once! It's like... they're remembering the future before it happens...? Whatever it is, it's inconvenient. You express your frustration by kicking a can along the sidewalk underneath the softly buzzing street-lamps. It clanks over the street and rolls into a dark figure in a long black-leather overcoat. The man bends down and picks the can up. "AH, HELLO AGAIN."    
  
You have never seen this dude before in your life. But... the coat looks kinda familiar... almost like you've held it before... "Go away." You grunt.    
  
"YOU MEAN YOU AREN'T GOING TO STEAL MY COAT?? HOORAY, IT WORKED!!" He tosses the can in the air with glee.    
  
"Why would I want to stea- ow!" The can bounces off your head. "Gah, why'd I wanna steal your lousy coat in the first place, huh??"    
  
"YOU ARE NOT A VERY NICE HUMAN, ARE YOU. WERE YOU THIS MEAN LAST TIME?"    
  
You stomp away, tired of whatever-it-is he's going in about. Last time?? Ha, what 'last time'??    
  
"FRISK SAID YOU KISSED ME LAST TIME AND THEN STOLE MY COAT. BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE TYPE OF PERSON I'D EVER WANT TO KISS. THE GREAT PAPYRUS HAS STANDARDS, AFTER ALL." His footsteps thud-thud on the pavement behind you.    
  
"Hmph, I stole the kiss then, too." You spit as an afterthought, "Bet it was awful."    
  
"MOST LIKELY. YOU ARE PROBABLY A TERRIBLE KISSER."   
  
"And you aren't." You say, meaning to be sarcastic but it comes out... truthfully.    
  
"THAT IS CORRECT!! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS THE BEST KISSER!! NYEH HEH HEH!!"    
  
"Yeah, that's wonderful." A smile quirks at your lips. You growl and force it into a scowl.    
  
"WHAT ARE YOU UP TO SO LATE AT NIGHT? IF YOU'RE NOT STEALING KISSES AND COATS, THAT IS." Papyrus asks.    
  
You spot a couple walking down the next boulevard and wave dismissively to the skeleton. "Hey, Cheesy, buzz off."    
  
"I AM NOT A BEE." The couple turn their heads at the noise. You facepalm, bemoaning the expensive furs the woman has on. They're loaded with dough, for sure.    
  
"Just zip it, then." You hiss and sneak behind the trees lining the sidewalk, following the less-unwary prey at a safe distance.    
  
They sit on a bench and you crouch to watch them and wait. "why are you stalking them, human?" You nearly jump out of your skin, gripping the tree and panting quietly to regain your composure. Papyrus crouches beside you, his magnificent coat rustling.    
  
"uh- go away." You shove his arm.    
  
"No. Are You Stealing, Human?" You wince at the raised volume and glance at the couple. They've got to start making out sooner or later... then you can sneak up and steal them blind.    
  
"ha, noo, i'm just, uh, third-wheeling..." You explain in a whisper, placing a hand over his jaws. "if they start engaging in violent physical affection, i get to borrow their wallets."    
  
"Mmmh." Papyrus pushes your hand away and whispers in your ear, "you flare your nose when you lie."    
  
You don't know how he knows that. But... it feels oddly correct for him to know that. Like a piece of the puzzling world has clicked. "so what if i was?"    
  
"i'd have to warn them. stealing is bad and i would never be an accomplice in crime." He hisses. You sigh, bopping your head against the tree.    
  
"they stole first. they steal from the common people, and from the monsters too." It would be nice if that were your motivation for stealing things.    
  
"you steal from the rich to restore justice? that is a noble goal, but aren't there bet..."  You tune his voice out and tense on the balls of your feet. The couple is starting to kiss. Deeply. It's... really gross. You'll never get why people like kissing so much.    
  
"stay here. or i'll... i'll show you just how bad i am at kissing." You threaten.    
  
Papyrus looks disgusted. Good. You can't have him be getting in your way. You rise softly and walk behind the bench. The couple ignores you. You time your snatches with their slurping writhes and come out of the fray with two wallets and a necklace.    
  
You run away quietly, abandoning Papyrus. This'll have to be it for the night. Light pride bubbles in your stomach.    
  
"ENTWINED HUMANS, A THIEF HAS JUST STOLEN YOUR WALLETS AND IS RUNNING OFF WITH THEM!!"    
  
Agh, you had just convinced him you had a good motivation!! Don't good guys love that kind of thing?? You quicken your pace, the streetlamps flitting past as you run. Sharp fire pierces your back and the gritty concrete skins your hands. You push yourself up and stagger into a run, not daring to look back. You've probably been shot.    
  
"HALT, HUMAN. GIVE BACK THE WALLETS." Papyrus yells the order to the city. The police will come if this continues.     
  
You turn and raise your hands. The skeleton stomps towards you, anger in the swishing cloak and set of his sockets. "Hey, you didn't stop me before, why now?" You say, shrugging as if there weren't pain lodged in your spine.    
  
"I WANTED TO SEE EXACTLY HOW STUPID THE PERSON WHO KISSED ME LAST TIME IS." He proclaims with an air of retort.    
  
"Really stupid, okay?!" You cough hoarsely. The rich couple catches up to Papyrus and they glare at you from behind the skeleton. "Here's your wallets, lovebirds." You throw the wallets at them and then look at Papyrus in exasperation.    
  
"AND THE NECKLACE, TOO." He replies, grinning at your wince.    
  
"Was hoping you would forget that one..." You throw it at the lady and it lands on the dirt. "Oh, look, now it matches you."    
  
The lady sneers and picks her necklace up. "The disgusting filth can talk?"    
  
You glance at Papyrus. The disapproval is almost palpable. He turns to the couple, dismissing you entirely. You're not worth his time. That shouldn't bother you. You turn and walk away with no loot. This was a bad night.    
  
What did he mean by 'last time'? Come to think of it, it seems almost like you've met him before...    
  
"Hey, Papyrus!" You turn again and sprint at the skeleton walking down the road the other way, slamming into him at full speed. He lands with a muted clatter on the sidewalk and surprise in his sockets. "I warned you I'd do this." You glare into his sockets.    
  
"NYEH HEH HEH, GO AHEAD. THE GREAT PAPYRUS CAN NOT BE FAZED BY TERRIBLE KISSES!!" He crows. You lean your head down- and press your lips to his forehead. "NYEH? HUMAN... I THINK YOU MISSED..."    
  
"Nah." You roll off and lay on the ground. "I just realized how gross that'd be. I barely know you. And I'm not trying to steal your coat this time, so there's no point."    
  
"I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT LAST TIME WAS LIKE. BUT FRISK SAID IT WAS SHOCKING ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE ABLE TO STEAL MY COAT... SO IT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AWFUL KISS. I'M GLAD YOU AREN'T KISSING ME THIS TIME. AND THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO STEAL MY COAT."    
  
"Me too." Wait... why don't you want to steal his coat? It's an awesome coat! "Uh, actually... look over there, I think I see gangsters!" You sit up, pointing down the road. As he rolls to his feet, you grab the sleeves of the coat and pull, knowing somehow that the front is unbuttoned. It slides off of him and you hop up and run away with the prize in your arms.    
  
"WAIT!! NO!!"    
  
"Carpe! Diem!" You shout back. And phantom pain sings across your body.    


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could be the end? I dunno. What do y'all think? I have one more chapter that's kinda done but it might be unnecessary.


End file.
